It’s Not About Me…

I feel like I have been in a bit of a tunnel for a very long time now.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed a difference even on my blogs, but things have been “not right” with me for a while and I have been in a funk that I have been unable to snap out of.  Well…  drumroll please, I’m back!!!  It is almost as though I have just not been myself and now myself is back!!!  What happened?  You ask….   Well, grab a cup of tea (or coffee, whatever floats your boat) and let’s sit for a bit and chat.      

Tonight I went to a Bible Study at church.  It was the first night of a new Beth Moore series we are doing (my favorite, I love Beth Moore’s studies!!!)  and it is like I just snapped out of it while there.  We are focusing on the Psalms of Ascent (Psalms 120-134) and the fact that we are all on a pilgrimage “up” to God.  What really hit me was at one point during her video Beth said, “Are you down right now?”  To which I am thinking “That’s an understatement!”  She went on to say, “whereever you are right now… it will change.  You are not staying there!”  I thought, “I am on my way!  I am NOT staying HERE!”  Okay, sounds trite, maybe, I truly feel as though I have been in an exile of sorts for quite a while.   There was something that occurred some time ago, I’ve mentioned this in earlier blogs, but this event, the details of which I cannot share, quite literally rocked my world down to the core.  I was so deep into my exile that I was having a hard time remembering what feeling free really felt like.  I knew I was free…  but I sure didn’t feel it!  Guess what?  I feel free again!!! 

 I have learned, the hard way, not to place my faith in humans.  They will let you down.  They HAVE let me down.   For years I, in my self-righteous pious way, honestly could not understand how someone could have strong faith in Jesus for years and then seem to falter.  Like a priest who “loses his faith” or someone who has a major event (maybe a death or loss of a loved one) that causes them to question their faith.  The Lord has done so many miracles in my life and has brought me personally through so much, so many times that I honestly couldn’t relate to what I viewed as “weak” people.     I just didn’t get it.  Until I had to live it!

Now, I never really questioned my faith….  All I know is that I have felt so uneasy with life that I have been unable to even pray with a clear head.  And my precious Bible, which has always been like a best friend that I could hardly wait to spend time with, became more allusive to me, not like an enemy, but certainly not the best friend it has always been.  Instead it seemed to turn into a silent book.  And one that I dreaded reading at that!  

Be careful how highly you think of yourself!  I thought I was such a strong Christian!  I thought I would NEVER falter in my faith.  I should have learned by now to never say never!!!  I thought I could handle anything that life could possibly throw my way.  Looking back now I realize that it’s one thing to “know” that you can handle whatever life throws at you, but it is quite another to get hit with a completely and totally life altering two by four and jump right up totally unscathed!  

Well, tonight I am happy to be back home.  Home in the word of God, home with my sweet Jesus (as my grandma would say) and knowing that He is not only enough, He is EVERYTHING!  Just like my book title, “The Journey is the Reward” I am on a pilgrimage…  journeying up to God.  I am SO GLAD that I am not staying here!  I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  I DO know that the old happy go-lucky, I love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength, Pamela is BACK!  And she is here to stay!!!  Yippee….  I did NOT like the sad, confused me.  Greg didn’t like me much either, and frankly, neither did my kiddos!  I missed myself!  But honestly, I missed Jesus the most.  Living without Him at the absolute center of my everything is well….  nothing!  Unfulfilling, depressing, and boring!  He’s my best friend, my Savior, my everything.  Nothing else compares.  Nothing else satisfies.  Nobody else, not even EVERYONE else - is enough.  He is my all.  I’ve been empty, and now I am FULL!  So, I just want to shout it at the top of my lungs, “I’M BACK!!!”   And guess what?  It feels GREAT!”