Ramblings of an Insomniac
Since my last post, I have been going through one of the roughest, toughest weeks in my life. And if you know anything about me, you know that I have had some rough times - so that is saying a lot! The day I took my bike riding picture was also the first day of zero prescription medications since I left the hospital last September. Due to several reasons, the biggest being finances, I have been weaning myself gradually off of all of my prescription medications for months now. Well, June 21st was the first day totally medication free. Greg (my hubby) and I had done our research and we knew that I would have a rough week at least, probably a few rough weeks after going off this last medication until my body adjusted, so we prepared for that and for me to take it easy as much as possible during this time. Unfortunately, neither of us had a clue as to the events totally beyond our control that would occur during this same crucial time.
We have had two major events occur, neither of which I can share the details of as they are just too personal. Either one these events alone would have threatened to make me feel like a total failure. Both of them occured almost simultaneously and together have shaken my faith just a bit. Not my faith in God mind you, only my faith in people. The awesome realization though is as major and close to my heart as these events have been, neither have even put a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty dent in my faith in Jesus. I think (I hope?) I have finally gone through enough “stuff” that my faith in Him is as solid as a rock. Frankly, He is as real to me as my eyes are brown. If that makes any sense. So, even though I am at a loss to even begin to understand either of the two mysterious events (mysterious to you that is!!), I have an unexplainable peace that keeps me going strong.
I am so glad there is nothing I can do to make Jesus love me any less, because lately I feel like a total failure. If I thought for even one moment that His love for me was based on my actions - well, I would be in total despair. But I am not!!! I am confused, sad, heartbroken even, but still full of hope because I know, that I know, that I know - that He will work everything out for good. So how’s that for preachy?!?!
Please do continue to pray for our family. My pain levels have been way up and my activity level has plummeted. It is very important for me to get through this time without my younger boys, especially Elijah, becoming afraid that I will end up back in the hospital. So I am really trying hard to act as “normal” as possible around them, and it is NOT easy. Frankly, I really need to get through this summer WITHOUT ending up back in the hospital period! Please pray for my strength, wisdom, and tolerance to pain - and a great attitude through it all. (Pray especially hard for the attitude part!) That said, I am totally thrilled that I met my bike-riding goal 12 days early and have the picture to prove it, as I have no idea when I will be able to ride it again. And I am okay with that. I am more optimistic for the future then ever. Once my body adjusts to the higher levels of pain a bit and gets over the withdrawals of the awful medications that I have been on, I will once again increase my activity levels. I can’t wait as I have a feeling that I will feel better then ever, mentally and physically when I have all the medication totally out of my system and no more withdrawal side affects. Then I will have nothing “synthetic” to mess up my mental clarity or add to my fatigue levels!
Now, sit down… you may not be ready for this… My next goal is to play racquetball - by this Christmas!!! Don’t worry - I’ll take a picture and post it.
As I look back these past 8 days, I choose to focus the rest of my blog on just of few of the great things that have happened:
- Brittney, my almost 17 yr old daughter, and I had a terrific time visiting another prospective college campus this week. We both were impressed and left feeling strongly that this is the college for her. It is her first choice now. She wants to major in Special Education and she is finally beginning to take school and preparing for college in general, more seriously. Yea!!! I truly hope she keeps her focus during her senior year and I am optimistic that she will.
- J.Jay, my 12 yr old son, tested for his 4th belt in Tae Kwon Do this past week and of course, he got it. He is now a green belt. I am so proud of him!
- Elijah, my 6 yr old son, has completely stopped sucking his thumb. We also put his treasured blanket away for safe-keeping so he’s not relying on it anymore. YEA!!! We are going to the dentist on Monday to get his picture and name put on the “Thumb-Free” wall. Also, his vocabulary of late simply blows my mind. Every day it seems he says something that shows what an excellent grasp of the English language he has! Today he picked up a bag of gluten containing cereal that someone put in our gluten-free area and said, “Momma, we have a situation here!” He is so fun to be around. He is serious and insightful one minute, cracking witty jokes the next. He has a wonderful and unique sense of humor as well that is coming out more and more as he gets older.
- I am feeling closer to Robby, my all grown up son, lately as well. I am telling you what, I just absolutely love all of my kiddos! I am fully convinced that all in all, I have got the most unique, interesting, and downright coolest offspring on the planet!
- Our neighbors had mulch leftover, apparently they had purchased too much, and they GAVE it to us! Yes, for FREE!!! It is beautiful dark black mulch. Greg spent last night and today spreading it around and it was enough for all the areas, trees and bushes in our entire front yard with the only exception of our one row of bushes on the right edge of our front yard. Wow! Our yard was looking pretty sad, and now it looks pretty great! (except for the browning grass due to drought, but hey - fresh mulch makes it all look good!!) Thank you, Neighbor!!!
- Greg and I are getting along better than ever lately. He seems more contented in general and we seem to be laughing more than we have in years, often for no reason at all! How cool to be married for over 24 years to someone who is so fun to be around. He is becoming more and more my ’soulmate’ as we grow older together. I like it.
- I just starting going to a women’s Bible study at the YMCA that I really enjoy. I haven’t been involved in a small group Bible study in a while and I didn’t realize how much I missed it! It’s way more fun then just studying the Bible alone. Very cool!
Although I have been more emotional and “on edge” without my drugs, er, I mean medicines; and even in the midst of two major what I would call bad and sad events - I am STILL happy and thankful for all things. How cool is that? It’s amazing how much my perspective has changed over the past year, but I can honestly say that regardless of circumstances I am a happy, contented woman. Not many people can say that and mean it! Don’t get me wrong - I get angry, sad, confused, frustrated, and more - usually every day… but through it all, I am honestly thankful for everything. I now have what I consider the privilege of a tiny glimpse of life through God’s eyes instead of my own. And from that perspective - things always look very good! I would never want to go back to the way I viewed God before I became paralyzed. I had Him in a box of my own making. The more life I live the more I can see Him clearly, for who He really is. And the better I get to know Him I more I trust Him. For the first time in my life I don’t feel like I have to understand everything for myself - what I can’t see I don’t feel as though I have to see because I know that He sees it all. You see?!?!?
So, I may be in lots of pain, but hey, I am thrilled that I can FEEL pain! I can move! I can walk! Too bad I can’t sleep! It is 3:11am and this insomniac is going to try, again, to get to some sleep. I need to get up for church in just a few hours! YIKES!!!
‘nighty ‘night!

